You had warning at the title, so there are no apologies for your further reading.
I am a person who can't say no to "a favor," otherwise known as "giving service." In my belief system, if you are capable, you can do it...and SHOULD do it. However, time after time I feel a little, no, a LOT of disappointment.
In fact, last night I confessed to my husband that I need a Liz Boyd. I need someone who is available and flexible enough to provide service IN MY TIME OF NEED. It isn't that I'm providing service at my convenience...someone asks and I do it, even if I have to rearrange things to do it because I CAN. I guess I should also say that I am willing to do that because these people are my friends. In some strange world I truly believe that the return will happen. I mean, that's not even solely a Christian ideology. It's the Golden Rule and karma and I don't know what else.
Anyway, I just get a little down-heartened when I need a favor and those who I've provided service for seem never to be available. Don't get me wrong. I understand that other individuals are working and such, but guess what? Even though I am a stay-at home mom, I am working, too. It's a full-time, no monetary gain kind of job. And, when I take on a service opportunity for someone else, my full-time job takes a backseat for awhile. Granted, I have two amazing children who are fairly, no, extremely independent for being the ages they are. And, I don't have to repeat rules or scrub extra things or repair damaged items or whatever when it is just us.
I just wish I didn't feel this way but as it has happened time after time after time, I get tired of it and just want a clone of me that I can call on in a time of need and have the exact favor fulfilled at the time I need it.
The funny part is, most of these favors I have, at times, tried to call in. The number one response is that I am just that amazingly lucky to only need someone when no one else is available. Seriously.
Okay, okay, so I can't say "no one". That would actually deny the existence of the most amazing "come through for you" gal I know: Jennifer Winters. Seriously. Twice I've called on her at the last minute and she has HAPPILY accepted my call of need. But, shouldn't I be able to call on others, too?
I also need to admit that my in-laws are there for me. I'm taking piano lessons from a friend and they are watching my girls every Wednesday evening for me. I really, really appreciate that. AND, the way I am receiving these lessons is because of a return favor for my service of piano-sitting for her relative.
I don't need a lot of help. I rarely can even come up with a reason I would call on someone to assist me. I guess that is what is frustrating me the most at this point in time...especially as I know I can't go with my husband on his next trip because I KNOW I can't find someone this last minute to watch my dogs for me so we can leave with him.
Sigh! Pity party. I know, but I also don't feel bad about it. Through all of this, I've earned my table for one at my very own pity party.
And, if you are reading this, do you struggle with the same thing? And, how do I avoid this happening in the future? I mean, REALLY, I need to know that answer so I don't go through the rest of my life thinking that I have "SUCKER" stamped on my forehead.
5 comments:
Hmmm, I don't think I've ever noticed having this problem, but I don't have kids so I think I have less need to ask people for help. I'm probably not the most helpful person either, so I'd feel guilty asking others for help (except my family). In my ward I'm not the most social person so people honestly don't call me that much about anything, and Tony's not very social either so we pretty much just rely on our families if we need help and they always help us and we try to help them. I would say, though, that if I feel like it's a huge hassle to go out of my way to do something for someone, I'd probably be okay with saying no... and for that reason I might be more okay with someone telling me no. But I can totally see where you're coming from - if someone had been of service to me in my time of need I would never want to turn them down in their time of need, and I think most people feel that way. It's weird to me that people feel okay with taking from you but not returning favors when you need them. Maybe you should learn to be okay with saying no sometimes and then you'll have more understanding for when others tell you no. That's probably not the most Christlike way of handling it... but I honestly do think it's okay to say no sometimes, especially if people are taking advantage. I would never say no to a calling, etc., but if I can't babysit or something I'll just say that. I feel like I'm rambling and repeating myself a lot here... Anyway. Hope my take on it helps you out a little.
I guess I should have also included that we would really like to have a babysitter (teenager) we could hire and trust, except the fact that we just aren't around any teenagers and the ones in our ward are either not people I want to leave with my child or live too far away or whatever. So, my goal is to find someone that lives w/i five miles of my house that I can trust to leave with the girls for things like the adult session of stake conference or to the temple (which is an all day adventure for us) or those very, very, very few times I may need a sitter. But, this post isn't just about a sitter. It's other things I've asked people to do that WOULD have saved me a trip because it was on their way home AFTER I cared for their child...and sometimes BECAUSE I cared for their child that I wasn't able to get something else done.
This has made me realize that I am just going to have to say no from here on out. No more favors. If you want child care, especially, you are going to have to pay for my services....and I don't want to do it even then, but it will stop people from taking advantage.
Hmm, yeah I agree, I wouldn't do childcare for free unless it was for family and then only occasionally. I would be willing to do it for free for neighbors if it was for a childcare trade instead of money - like they would watch my child(ren) at another date. I've heard of ward people trading childcare for their temple dates. I'd think that people in your ward who have children around the ages of your daughters would want to have them over sometimes so their kids could have playdates... maybe you should ask them about setting up some playdates that could also be temple exchange childcare dates, and then when they want to go to the temple you'll gladly have their kids all day. I don't know, those are just some of my thoughts. I understand what you're feeling though - like it feels wrong and un-Christlike to say no to service, so you feel like you should always say yes. But when people take advantage, it's not service anymore, it's drudgery. When I was a kid my aunt and uncle used to invite me and my sister over to their house all the time to "hang out" with their kids. Then they would leave us with them all day long (free babysitting - their kids were way younger than us). We hated it and finally got to the point where when they called we made our parents tell them we couldn't come over! That same uncle is now in prison because he committed fraud and stole money from so many people. Some people have no limits on how far they'll go to take advantage. I don't think most people are that extreme, but the experience has just taught me that there are some people you can just avoid because they will use you. On the other hand, there are times when it's worthwhile to offer service, so you can follow how it feels. I just think once you've learned that someone will take advantage or be rude, avoid them. That's what I do, and I don't worry about if it will offend them because their inclination to take advantage of me was offensive to me and that didn't bother them. I'm kind of rude like that (and sometimes you might feel rude when you say no)... but I don't usually have a problem with people walking all over me because I don't allow them to. Okay this is really long again! I hope you guys find a teenage babysitter soon. Maybe you should get to know the YW in your ward and you'll find that actually they're more trustworthy than you thought...? I don't know, I just don't know how well you know them.
Now that I'm home...I'll be your "Liz Boyd"!! Can I get two cute girls to match?! Or else my three cute boys will just have to do!!
I used to be in the same boat. I was always the person asked to babysit but nobody would babysit for me. Like you, I don't have many things I would need a babysitter. It seems that when I do, everyone else does too. I also find it difficult to cough up the money for a babysitter for just one very independent child. Anyhow, there is one woman who always asks me to babysit, but it doesn't stop there. To be able to serve in this situation, I'd have to go pick up the woman and her child, take the woman to her job, then drive home to babysit. I'd have to later go pick the woman up from her job and take her and her child home. It really is a 'go the second mile' kind of service. However, I feel like I'm always the first one she asks and I do have other things to do too. I also find that babysitting and watching a friend's children is very different. Babysitting is when you have to watch the child closely and there will inevitably be arguments and fights. However, watching a friend's children is a whole lot easier, the kids will play together and I can still do my normal things at home. I agree with April though, it is hard to say no and that you don't feel Christlike, but you can't feel Christlike when you are being walked all over and have these feelings. So...it really is a lose lose situation. Good luck learning to say no. Maybe you need to revisit our youth and follow Nancy Reagan's advice "Just Say No."
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