I am not a perfect person. I think that most days I am fairly put together and feel happy with my life and the decisions that I make. I think I have a wonderful family and am so blessed in every aspect of my life. It IS almost perfect.
But, today was not one of those days. I got up with plenty of time to take care of everything that needs to be handled in order for us to make it to church on time. In fact, I commented to Eric that "it's Sunday and I actually did my hair!" I looked the part. Hair done. Make-up done. Children freshly bathed (thank you, Honey). Lunch packed for the girls to eat during choir rehearsal. Eric was even going to pick someone up for church.
I'm not sure when it happened, but things changed. We still got to church early (and, by early, I mean we were not arriving "on time" or during the first hymn...it was a miracle). But, somehow, I became overly emotional in that first hour.
A member of our bishopric (the guys who basically take care of the governing of the church on a local basis and all for free) was there for his last Sunday in our ward because he just married a wonderful woman and moved out of our area and into a different ward ("parish"). He's been a hero of my husband's for a long, long time and became one of mine. Apparently, seeing him today made me realize how much I love this man who has been such an amazing role model for so many of us.
That sorrow mixed with joy (because this man truly has earned his good reward of this amazing woman) was not the only emotion to be had. My children did not behave well and I was embarrassed and irritated that I couldn't enjoy the meeting more. I felt helpless as the Lord reminded me that I'm not a perfect person.
And so, I let things get to me, one thing at a time. By the time we made it to choir practice, my emotions were gathered on my shirt sleeves and I'm afraid I did cry. I'm sorry. I'm not a perfect person. I'm not a perfect parent. I have my limits and apparently I hit them today. I'm sure the Lord will show me with another stressful Sabbath to allow me to demonstrate that I learned from today, but I'm really not looking forward to that.
In the meantime, I just want to tell you that "I'm not a perfect person/ There's many things I wish I didn't do/ But I continue learning." I really do want to change. I want to be better. And, I'm incredibly grateful for friends who will give me a hug when I need one. I'm grateful for the faith they have in me that I can do this and I'm doing fine as a parent. Thanks for your confidence. I'm trying!
5 comments:
I just read this and wanted you to know that I'm totally feeling your pain. I can't think of anyone who would have the right to judge you. Church can be a nightmare. You are there every week, you fulfill many responsibilities, and are creating habits in your girls that will stick with them forever. I usually get very little out of my meetings (hello 3 boys arguing over toys and snacks!) and you have to deal with kids all 4 hours of church. Ahhhh! I would explode. I used to explain that when church is over I am exhausted. I NEED a nap! And in choir ALL the kids act up, so what can you do? I don't think your kids do anything more than any of the other kids. Sammy was tinkling on the piano too, Hadley and Sawyer dumped cereal all over the floor twice, and the kids were totally loud. Actually, Emily was pretty good today. The kids are a distraction in there but it's not your fault. So I just want you to know I'm not a perfect person either and there are many things I wish I didn't do, but there is a reason for us to change who we used to be and that is Christ. I just spent the afternoon making a movie about Jesus to that song and I'd love to show it to you. Love you, get some rest and cut yourself some slack.
I was just telling Carol the other day that I can't stand it when I find out I'm not perfect. And I'm sorry I pulled the "cry" out of you today. I could tell you were at your limit and wanted you to understand that I was "OK" with the noise and the kids and the distractions so that you could be okay, too. I love you so much, Liz. You are one of MY personal heroes. And like Carol said, you are doing all the right things. Having one bad day out of 365 is just about as perfect as you can get.
I'm so sorry Liz that you had such a hard day and my kids totally didn't help. Not that it helps for today but hopefully in the future, the boys were in time out for the rest of the day until dinner time tonight for acting so poorly at church and not helping your kids be obedient to you. And for the record you are a great mom one that I look up too and need to be more like.
Liz,
I just have to let you know that we all have those days. We seem to be so hard on ourselves. When I was working it was so much easier, I am now harder on myself..feeling so unaccomplished everyday. Like I just didn't do enough. I will send you a poem I found the other day that Bobbette had sent me a year ago, on one of those kinds of days. I found the poem the other day and broke into tears as I miss her so much. I am not quite sure If I had shared that story with you, I will post it on my blog next week. You are a miracle in my eyes and I will forever love you, even with your imperfections:)
Angela
I totally feel the way you did yesterday almost every Sunday. But something struck me yesterday, when little Nathanial said to his dad "I don't know." That is why we continue to struggle through our imperfection (with screaming kids, fighting over toys and snacks)...so that one day our kids will know. They will know that as they struggle through their own "imperfections" the one place to turn for comfort is their Savior.
There are so many women in our ward (you being one of them) that truly inspires me to be better and do better. I always think that my kids are the LOUDEST in the chapel and the most rambunctious in primary (or nursery). It is good that we as mothers and sisters can share these burdens and grow and learn from each other.
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